


The Irreproducibility Tangent

by ancarett



Category: Big Bang Theory
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-24
Updated: 2009-12-24
Packaged: 2017-10-05 05:52:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/38450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ancarett/pseuds/ancarett
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unexpected news inspires Sheldon to explore options in humaniform replicability. Chaos ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Irreproducibility Tangent

**Author's Note:**

> Set early in Season Three (before 3.5 "The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary") so assume spoilers up into the early third season.

"Shelly? Shel-ly. Shelly!"

The voice coming from his computer was familiar but entirely unexpected. Sheldon almost fumbled the container of milk he was pouring. With exaggerated care that anyone who knew him could tell signalled intense irritation, he finished pouring the glass of milk (to the optimal three-quarters level he had planned before the interruption had almost caused him to over-pour), replaced the jug in the fridge then turned, glass in hand, to the laptop screen.

"Shel-don," came the impatient feminine drawl, "I know you're there."

With a movement that would be flounce from anyone else, Sheldon sat down in front of his computer. Staring back at him through his Skype screen from a webcam in Texas was his sister, Missy.

Her anxious, irritated look disappeared, leaving her gorgeous face smiling radiantly. Sheldon sniffed imperiously back at her. "Missy, why ever are you calling me? You know that family talk time isn't until 7:30 on Sunday. And that's if you confirm by email at least twenty-four hours in advance!"

With that pronouncement, Sheldon leaned back in his chair and took a small sip of milk. His expression of distaste sharpened slightly as he detected a small drop in the temperature of his drink, no doubt due to the interruption his sister presented.

On-screen, Missy was shaking her head indulgently. "Shelly, Shelly, Shelly. You never change."

"Of course not," her brother retorted. "What would be the benefit of that? But, more importantly, why have you interrupted me at –", Sheldon broke off his question to peer suspiciously at the clock on his laptop screen, "—1:17 p.m. on a Saturday? Don't you realize how this throws off my entire day?"

Missy rolled her eyes at this complaint while Sheldon sipped from his glass of milk. "Sheldon, I have some news I wanted to share with you."

In exasperation, Sheldon interrupted. "Why couldn't it have waited until Sunday at 7:30, then, when family calls are normally arranged?"

Missy smiled with exaggerated patience. "Because it's _important news_, Shelly."

He stiffened uneasily. "Well, I can't think what it can be. The Nobel Prize in Physics has already been awarded this year to a trio that are little better than glorified engineers." Sheldon got a distant look in his eyes. "My day will come, Drs. Kao, Boyle and Smith."

With a shake of his head, Sheldon refocused his attention on the computer screen where Missy's image patiently waited through his ramblings. "Anyway, the Nobel Foundation has my address here in California – I have kept them apprised of my changes in residence since I was a freshman in preparation for the inevitable day! – so they wouldn't have contacted you or mother."

Before he could continue on this tangent, Missy raised a cautioning hand. The Skype signal pixelated her swift gesture but Sheldon still leaned back at the glittering motion. He'd been on the receiving end of his sister's wrath enough times that the action had become reflex.

Certain that Sheldon was quiet, Missy's hand quickly fell. "Now, Shelly, don't you go on! I told you that I have important news to share." She glanced upward and sideways at something out of the webcam's field.

Turning back to face the screen, Missy asked hesitantly, "Sheldon? Do you remember Phil Truscott?"

Sheldon's mouth pursed as if he'd smelt something repulsive. "Of course I do, Missy. Why, Philip Truscott was the bane of my existence up until I was eleven and was able to escape our provincial habitation. Philip was always tormenting me. And that chicken, of course. . . ."

Eyes narrowed, Sheldon regarded the screen with suspicious recollection.

Missy laughed. "What a good memory! Well –" she glanced aside slyly, "—then you'll recognize my fiancé!"

On the laptop screen in front of him, Sheldon watched in horror as a handsome, blond face came into view beside and slightly above Missy's. "Hey, there, Shelly," said the man in a soft Texas drawl.

With a small "Eep!" Sheldon's eyes rolled backwards and his glass of milk spilled over the table edge, dripping onto the floor.

"Oh my lord," could be heard from the computer speakers as Missy watched her brother react to the news of her engagement by disappearing from view.

The sound of Sheldon collapsing to the floor was only slightly louder than the noise that Leonard made in opening the front door of the apartment. Laughing over his shoulder at something Penny said, Sheldon's roommate was smiling and relaxed as he dropped his key in the bowl by the door and entered the living room. That moment of euphoria vanished as he heard Penny's appalled gasp.

"Sheldon," they both called as they ran across the room. The taller man was flat on his back beside a small pool of milk.

"Shelly?" Missy's voice squeaked fearfully from the speakers and her face loomed large on the screen as she leaned in, futilely attempting to catch a glimpse of her twin.

Penny glanced up from where she knelt on the floor beside an unresponsive Sheldon. "Missy? What happened?"

Leonard put an arm under Sheldon's shoulders, raising his roommate's lax body to a sitting position. Sheldon's head lolled against Leonard's shoulder and the smaller man, perhaps unwisely, attempted to lift the Texan to his feet. Realizing the futility of that endeavour as he wobbled under his roommate's lanky form, Leonard leaned the taller man against the kitchen island with an awkward "oof".

Leonard reluctantly laid two fingers on Sheldon's neck, feeling for a pulse. "He's breathing just fine," he announced with some relief.

"Penny? Is that you with Leonard? Sheldon just disappeared when I was talking to him. Did his chair slip? Phil and I are so worried!"

Penny half-crouched in front of the laptop where she could see Sheldon's twin and a strange but handsome man who held one hand splayed across what seemed to be a widely grinning mouth.

"Missy, yeah, it's me. We've got Sheldon here, but he seems to have passed out." With a fretful glance over her shoulder, the blonde angled the laptop so that his unconscious form was visible to the webcam's viewers.

Missy frowned as she stared at her twin's quiet form. "Slap him."

Sighing, Leonard lightly struck his roommate across the check. Sheldon didn't move at all.

"We can't wait forever. Penny," Missy's voice demanded. "You slap him."

"Hey," Leonard protested as Penny shoved him aside and, with a careful aim, back-handed her friend's slim form with a practical thwack.

Sheldon's head rolled back and forth against the wood of the cabinet. His eye blinked open. "Wha? Where? Missy?"

Sheldon flailed, trying to rise up. "Whoa there, Sheldon," Leonard advised, before getting to his feet and leaning over the table to face the computer screen. "Sorry about that, Missy. It looks like he's okay."

Missy sighed audibly. "Thank heavens. Oh, where are my manners? Leonard? This is Phil, Phil Truscott, an old neighbour who's now the District Manager for Fuddrucker's in Eastern Texas."

Leonard smiled nervously as the blond man eyed him dismissively. "Uh, hi there, Phil. I'm Sheldon's roommate."

The other man arched an eyebrow. "Roommate? Is that what they call it in California?"

Leonard eyes widened as he realized what Phil meant. He stammered frantically. "Wait, no, I mean, we share this apartment but –", he swivelled the webcam's position to survey Penny kneeling beside Sheldon and holding him in place with one hand on his shoulder, "—Penny, here, is my girlfriend. And we came in and saw Sheldon on the floor and, hey, what the heck happened anyway?"

Missy spared a look at the man leaning uncomfortably down beside her. "Well, I'd just told Sheldon the good news that Phil and I are engaged."

"Engaged?" Penny asked eagerly, scrambling up from beside Sheldon whose barely conscious form began to slump dangerously sideways. She and Leonard switched positions in front of the computer. Leonard propped up Sheldon while Penny interrogated the other women.

"Details!" Penny demanded. "Tell me everything. What was the proposal like, when did it happen? Have you set a date? What's the theme going to be? What colors are you using?"

Missy appeared ready to fill Penny in but her fiancé raised a hand. "Whoa, little ladies. Much as I'd like to stick around while you all catch up, I have to head off. Manager's meeting, remember, Missy?"

The dark-haired woman smiled brightly and leaned her head backwards for a kiss. "That's right, sweetie. I'll see you tonight."

Phil disappeared from view and Penny hunkered forward eagerly. "Oh my God, Missy, this is just wonderful! He's so handsome. What a catch! Now, tell me all about it."

Missy pursed her lips in distress. "Just let me know how Shelly's doing, okay?"

Penny shot a quick glance over her shoulder. Sheldon's eyes were open but his gaze was completely vacant. Leonard was occasionally flicking his fingers against Sheldon's jaw to keep his head from rolling too far in one direction.

With an assured nod, Penny turned back to the laptop screen. "He's just fine, Missy. So, about the engagement and the wedding plans and everything?"

Missy launched into the story of the proposal while Leonard continued to poke and prod at his roommate. He was tempted to interrupt Penny and Sheldon's sister, but couldn't figure how to get a word in edgewise and still keep Sheldon semi-upright.

Fortunately, the apartment door pushed open as Howard and Raj breezed in. "How's it hanging, hep-cats? Hey, what the heck happened here?" Wolowitz demanded as he stared at the disarray: Sheldon lolling against the kitchen cabinetry, Leonard crouched beside him, uneasily close to the pool of milk and the floor and Penny eagerly hunched in front of Sheldon's laptop screen.

Raj appeared on the verge of asking much the same thing but, as he stepped into the room and spotted Penny in the flesh chatting with Missy on the computer screen, he turned his head to one side with a despairing sigh.

Leonard got to his feet. "Finally! Guys, help me. We've got to get Sheldon up and check his reactions. He was passed out on the floor when Penny and I came back from brunch."

Howard whined, "You went out to brunch without us?" Then, as he spotted Missy on the laptop screen, he began to stroll her way with an assured air. "Hello there, Missy. Back for some more 'California Dreaming'?"

Penny barked out a laugh. "As if, Howard. She's engaged."

"Oh." Wolowitz visibly deflated.

Leonard smirked slightly as the two men joined him to hover in front of a vacantly-staring Sheldon. "Yeah, it seems like Missy's found herself a guy. And I'm sorry about brunch but Penny has a thing for Belgian waffles, so it was kind of spur of the moment."

Howard's eyes lit up. "Waffles, you say?"

Leonard shot him a sharp look. "Can it, Howard. Now, help me get Sheldon on his feet and over to the couch."

Howard nodded as he rubbed his hands together. "Okay, let's see, assuming the Sheldon weighs 170 pounds and we can want to move him a distance of eight, no, ten feet, allowing for going around the chair. . . ."

Penny looked over her shoulder at the men hunkered down in thoughtful calculation, "Oh God, Missy, this'll take forever."

Missy broke off her narrative and a worried look crept over her face. "Maybe you should check on Sheldon."

Penny nodded decisively. "I'll make sure he's okay. I have a shift starting at 2:30 so if he's not good by then I'll get Leonard to take him to emergency but I'm pretty sure he's going to be fine."

Missy sighed. "Sheldon never did things the easy way. You tell him to check back in with me tonight."

Penny smiled. "It'll probably be easier if I do."

"You're right, of course. These rocket scientists. . . ." The dark-haired woman rolled her eyes and her computer image began to loom large as she began shut down the chat program.

"Bye, Missy," Penny carolled as, behind her, three men struggled to lift and shift Sheldon's inert form.

She clicked on the X to close the Skype interface, then spun out of the chair and put a shoulder under Sheldon's arm. "Come on, guys, let's get him over to the couch."

With Penny managing, Sheldon was soon sitting on the couch. More signs of life appeared as he began to shift his head and mumble quietly. Leonard stepped away to, with some distaste, wipe up the spilled milk. Howard and Raj stood behind the couch and debated the best way to assess brain injuries. "Check his pupils!" Howard insisted while Raj stood with arms crossed, shaking his head disapprovingly but unable to speak while Penny was in the room.

"Come on, Sheldon," Penny said cajolingly. "Snap out of it. What happened there? You've got your sister all worried."

"Penny?" Sheldon said with visible distress. "What happened?"

Penny cocked her head to one side. "We were hoping you could tell us?"

Howard interrupted. "We need to check that he's not experiencing a concussion. Quick, Sheldon, what's the value of pi to twenty digits."

Sheldon turned on the couch to regard the engineer scornfully. "Oh, please. Even a child could do that. Leonard?"

Leonard spoke up from the kitchen where he was carefully disposing of the milk-soaked paper towel as if it were hazardous waste. "You'll never convince Sheldon that pi is enough to demonstrate his faculties. How about _e_?"

Sheldon sniffed. "Well, that is still a fairly simple exercise as any simpleton can calculate the value of the derivative of the function f(x) = _e_ at the point where x = 0."

Catching Raj's impatient look, Sheldon glared impotently. "Very well. If only to bring an end to this farcical interlude. 2.718281828459045235. . . ."

"Enough," Leonard interjected. "He's 100 percent pure Sheldon. Whatever happened, it had nothing to do with his higher functions."

"Of course it didn't," Sheldon said, waving a hand distractedly. "Let me review my memory of events. I was pouring myself a glass of milk. My 1:15 glass of milk, to be precise, when Missy interrupted. Which was so thoughtless of her, but, after all, what can I expect. . . ." He seemed prepared to enter into a long explanation when he caught Penny's disapproving gaze.

Leonard returned from the kitchen to sit in the armchair and listen in. Penny moved from the couch to sit on the arm of the chair beside him, while Raj and Howard flopped into the spaces beside Sheldon's customary spot.

"Well, I may be lactose intolerant but you've never had a problem with milk, so what else happened?" Leonard demanded.

Sheldon cast his gaze around the room. "Missy said she had important news to tell me which, of course, was an absurdity since nothing important ever happens in Texas on a Saturday morning, at least not anything my sister would know about."

His eyes developed a calculating gleam as he recalled recent events. "Ah, but then she brought up Philip Truscott. The dreaded Philip Truscott."

The other men in the room looked at each other in confusion but Penny nodded knowingly. "Yes. He's that guy that was there on Skype with her. Her fiancé."

Sheldon shuddered and his eyes began to roll upwards. Urgently, Leonard leaned across the space between the armchair and sofa to grab his roommate by the forearm. "Hold it together, Sheldon."

With a scornful arch of his eyebrows, the string theorist scoffed at Leonard's concern. "That's hardly a worry, Leonard, unless you're suggesting that the forces of molecular bonding have been somehow compromised."

Penny intervened before the two men could get going on what promised to be a completely pointless fight. "Look, I have to go and get ready for work. If Sheldon's hurt and needs to see a doctor, Missy wants me to tell her so you need to get talking and fast."

Sheldon primly laid his wrists on his knees and assumed an angelic expression. "There's no need to worry Missy, Penny. I'm perfectly fine. I suppose my chair must have slipped on a bit of milk that I spilled. It's the only logical explanation, now, isn't it?"

Penny cocked her head in doubt. That seemed plausible, but since when did Sheldon go from cantankerous to cooperative? "Oh-kay," she finally said. "If you're sure." At the last, she turned to look at Leonard.

"We can handle this, Penny," her boyfriend assured. "I don't want to keep you from work."

Penny kissed him on the cheek and then bounded off. "You guys take care of Sheldon."

"Don't you worry, Penny," Leonard promised sweetly as she left their apartment. Howard and Raj nodded in eager assent.

Once the door was closed, all three men turned to Sheldon. "Okay, Sheldon, spill it."

The taller man looked down at his wrists, seeming, if possible for the always assured Sheldon Cooper, a little bit lost. "Missy's getting married to Philip Truscott," he said, as if that explained everything.

The other three glared at Sheldon. "So?" Raj demanded. "Is there a problem? Is it that you don't want to rent a tux and go to their wedding?"

Sheldon shot him a resentful glance. "Of course there's a problem, Koothrappali. But it's nothing so simple as a tuxedo and a trip."

Leonard nodded. "Okay, we get it." He reached out a hand in appeal to Howard and Raj. "This is Sheldon's twin, the person in the world to whom he's closest. And her getting married is probably just hitting a little close to home."

Leonard finished up his explanation with a sympathetic grin that suggested he was a little astonished at his own insight. Howard and Raj nodded respectfully but Sheldon would not stand for it.

"Don't be ridiculous," he retorted, waving a hand in front of him. "It's that I have always relied upon Missy to carry on my genetic potential. But now, if she's marrying Philip Truscott, a being for whom the label of hominid might not be an apt fit? Well, let's just say that the hopes of _homo novus_ stop right here."

Sheldon gestured at his belly button and then his head dropped forward in despair.

"Missy has always represented the best hope for humanity, given that she carried within her the possibility of my genetic promise. But if she shackles herself to that creature for whom a lobotomy would be an upgrade and then bears his children? Well, I don't see a cheery prospect for a future filled with little Sheldons in the Truscott family trailer just outside of Galveston."

Leonard strove to hide an amused grin. "Well, I don't think Missy's going to care a lick about what you want."

Sheldon stared at his roommate aghast. "And that's precisely why I have to start working on Plan B."

Howard preened, tugging at the ends of the long collar points on his navy shirt. "Perhaps you need a suave and persuasive friend to get between Missy and her fiancé. Say, a little Wolowitz magic to do the trick?"

Raj interrupted angrily. "Hey, who was it that she wanted? It wasn't you, it was me."

Howard arched one pitying eyebrow at the astrophysicist. "Oh, Raj, Raj. If you could ever talk to a woman sober, you might have a chance at my leftovers. But –"

Leonard intervened impatiently before the pointless argument could build up any more steam or enmity between the two friends. "Guys, this is totally beside the point as well as being totally unrealistic. Did you get a look at that guy, anyway?"

Both Howard and Raj looked a little glum at the memory of the handsome man they'd spotted with Missy on the computer.

"Oh, this is all drivel, anyway," Sheldon insisted fussily. He rose to his feet and swatted away Leonard's concerned step beside him. "I'm perfectly fine now and it's clear that I have to act quickly in order to preserve the promise of _homo novus_ for the future. Excuse me. I must go and cogitate."

He turned and with a pitying smile regarded Howard. "That means to think, Wolowitz."

"I knew that," the shorter man roared as Sheldon turned on his heel. Howard glared at the string theorist who unconcernedly strode down the hall while Leonard and Raj stared quizzically at each other.

"I have a bad feeling about this," Raj sighed. The other two men nodded glumly and it looked as if Leonard was about to follow his roommate down the hallway and continue the conversation out of a sense of duty if nothing else.

Raj and Howard glanced at each other in alarm. If both Sheldon and Leonard were occupied over this, that'd leave the two of them to their own devices and they'd already exhausted all of their possibilities for the day given the positive dearth of good movies in the rep theatres.

"Wii bowling?" Howard suggested.

"You bet," Leonard eagerly agreed, leaving Sheldon to his own devices.

"Prepare to eat my dust," Raj vowed as he leapt for a controller.

"Oh, you're on," Howard warned. "You're both on."

"It is profoundly unfortunate that some people, who will remain nameless, are sadly and insufficiently adept at as simple of a task as proper DNA collection and preservation," Sheldon pronounced on Sunday morning, with a dire look reserved for a sleepy Penny, dressed in her robe and leaning on the kitchen counter.

Leonard looked up from pouring cups of coffee with a baffled expression. "Say what?"

"Oh," Sheldon said in a tone that dripped with insincere sincerity. "Was I not clear? Did you mistake my meaning? Should I use simpler words?"

Leonard sighed and slid a mug toward Penny who clutched it closely as she delicately sipped at the reviving beverage. "Thank you so much, Leonard," she sang out dozily. "I'll just take this over there-" Penny gestured vaguely toward the couch "-while you two have your discussion."

Leonard opened his mouth to object but Sheldon was already back at it. "So, as I was saying, it is obvious to anyone with a modicum of scientific training, which, apparently some people that I know simply do not possess. . . ."

"Does this have something to do with Penny?" Leonard asked wearily. "If so, keep it down or she'll pour her coffee on your head. She's not in a good mood, what with your muttering waking us up last night. Five times."

Sheldon nodded delicately. Looking across the small living area to see that Penny was apparently engrossed in some random entertainment news segment, he turned his attention back to Leonard. "Apparently, in order for DNA to be viable for even something as simple as identification purposes, it must be kept chilled and segregated."

Leonard nodded in seeming comprehension. He was used to Sheldon's weird non-sequiturs, but had no idea where this was coming from. "Okay," he said, staring thoughtfully off into the distance. "Yeah, DNA for criminal cases has to be collected and studied carefully. But since when have you ever cared about this kind of stuff? Were you watching _CSI_ last night or something?"

Sheldon sniffed disdainfully. "As if I would waste a moment on scripted dramas so tissue-thin that I could sneeze and solve the crime more readily than these so-called 'expert investigators'." He broke off that line of commentary as he noticed Leonard's attention wander, longingly, in the direction of Penny and the couch.

"Very well," he said in a harsh whisper, "it has come to my attention that the DNA that Penny obtained for me that previous Christmas is not, alas, suitable to be used for any scientific purposes."

Leonard snorted and then sipped at his own mug of coffee. "Well, of course not. It was more about the autograph and the sentiment, I thought."

Sheldon rolled his eyes in patent exasperation. "Surely not, Leonard. A simple scrawl of a name, even one as portentious as that of Leonard Nimoy's, is easy to obtain and has no intrinsic value."

His eyes darted to Penny, beginning to appear more alert as she steadily worked her way through her mug of coffee. "I was wondering," Sheldon said with a small degree of hesitancy uncharacteristic for him, "if Penny would mind taking a simple online training course in proper DNA collection and carrying one of these-" he flourished a glass tube with a long swab mounted on the stopper "-with her to work against the time when Leonard Nimoy makes a return appearance at the Cheesecake Factory?"

Leonard's eyes got very wide as Sheldon shoved the collection instrument at him. "I dunno, Sheldon."

Sheldon leaned in to speak with an air of urgent confidentiality. "Of course, this is all moot since I have discovered that our fellows in the life sciences have sadly failed to match the fine progress of physicists in advancing their field. Apparently, there is some objection to human cloning and no one is pursuing this project! Really, did you know that?"

Leonard shook his head, rather than continue the conversation and stuffed the glass tube in the pocket of his red robe before cradling his mug and ambling over to join Penny. Sheldon was, as always, something too strange for mortal minds to comprehend, at least before nine in the morning and without caffeine.

 

Somewhere in the hallway of the apartment, something was making some noise for some reason that surely meant its death, Leonard thought muzzily.

"Leonard?"

A brisk double knock followed the call that roused Leonard sometime in the wee hours of Monday morning.

"Leonard?"

With an irritable growl, Leonard flung open his bedroom door. "What is it, Sheldon?"

The taller physicist smiled to see his roommate upright and conscious. "Good, you're up."

"Of course I'm up, Sheldon. You woke me up. So what is it?" Leonard tightened the belt on his robe with profound irritation.

"What's Penny's attitude about children?"

Leonard stared at the other man for a long time.

"Leonard?" Sheldon regarded his roommate with some impatience. At that word, the other man shook his head soundly.

"I'm sorry. I thought you asked something about Penny and, um, children?"

Sheldon smiled primly. "Indeed, I did."

Leonard's brow scrunched in confusion. "What does Penny think about children?"

Sheldon sighed. "Let me elaborate. Has she expressed any desire to reproduce?"

Leonard appeared thoroughly awake, now, but still quite befuddled. "Wha?"

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "This is getting us nowhere. Let me try another tack. What can you tell me about Penny's health. Has she been exposed to excessive amounts of radiation, lead, ethylene oxide, dibromochloropropane or any other substances known to have deleterious effects on female fertility?"

Leonard continued to gape at Sheldon who sighed once more and shoved a piece of paper into the wordless man's hands. "Here. See if you can have her fill out this medical history by Tuesday."

With that, Sheldon retreated to his bedroom. Leonard continued to stand and stare at the space Sheldon had occupied for a few seconds more, before shrugging and pocketing the paper. He glanced at his bed longingly, wondering just how much time it would take to fall asleep after this latest of Sheldon's strange starts.

It was sometime on Monday evening that Leonard began to get a hint of what weird tangent Sheldon was pursuing.

At least, he thought he was picking up a hint. Sheldon had spent a fair bit of the last two days pacing up and down the short hallway of their apartment when he wasn't, in Raj's words, "eerily fixated on his whiteboard" either in the office or the apartment.

Leonard squinted doubtfully at the whiteboard in their apartment right now. Wiped clean of the theoretical physics equations, it now held a cryptic series of letters.

"S-o-s, c-a, g-o-v," Leonard read out in frustration. "What the hell is this?"

Penny entered the apartment from the hallway, still in her Cheesecake Factory uniform after another long shift and stared at the scrawl visible over Leonard's shoulder. "Why does Sheldon have the website of the California secretary of state on his whiteboard?"

Leonard spun on his heel to regard the blonde with no small astonishment. "Is that what it is?"

Penny made her away across the living room and pressed a brief kiss on his cheek. "Yup. That says 'sos.ca.gov' which I remember from Sheldon's suggestions on my brief time as CEO of Pennyblossoms un-Incorporated, is where you go when someone –" she glared at Sheldon as he paced his way out of the bedroom hallway "—tells you that you need to incorporate your business."

Leonard banged a hand against his forehead. "Of course it's a website. I'm just not thinking straight because someone –" here he paused to glare at Sheldon who had stopped in front of his whiteboard to scribble in a few more cryptic letters "—kept me awake last night with all of his pacing and his questions."

Penny flopped into the armchair with an exhausted sigh. "Well, you only have yourself to blame. You could have joined me across the hall."

Leonard's smile was sweetly doting before he returned to glaring at his roommate. "I would have if I wasn't positive that Sheldon would have been knocking at your apartment door at 2:30 with his crazy questions. Are we absolutely sure that he didn't experience some brain damage when he fell yesterday?"

Sheldon spun on his heel to regard Leonard and Penny with outrage. "Of course we are certain. My mental acuity is untouched! I have simply been busy formulating a new approach to my dilemma."

Penny wrinkled her nose at this but Leonard just rolled his eyes at Sheldon so she abandoned the line of questioning. There were times she was willing to accept Leonard's assurance that she just didn't want to know what was going on with Sheldon and this was one of them.

"Look, I'm going to go back over to my place and get washed up, then hit the couch and veg. You two go on doing whatever it is you're doing unless, of course, you want to join me, Leonard," Penny offered.

Leonard mouthed _"I'll try to escape!"_ while Sheldon stood with his back to Penny. The waitress shrugged and quietly left the apartment, glad to be out of the feuding pair's orbit.

"Sheldon," Leonard said.

"Not now, Leonard. I'm busy," Sheldon commanded as he contemplated his whiteboard.

"Sheldon, you've been muttering about sperm and ovum all night long. Yesterday there was all that stuff about DNA collection. Now Penny says you're looking at some business website. What gives?" Leonard demanded with the irritability that came of a sleepless night.

Sheldon continued to contemplate his whiteboard. "Leonard, did you know that it's estimated that there are only six to ten profoundly gifted individuals in a million? Even give the obvious shortcomings of the Stanford-Binet Form L-M to diagnose true giftedness, about which I have spoken many times, that means that in the state of California alone, we could be looking at as many, or, more properly, as few as 220 truly distinguished minds. A few might have the potential, even, to birth another _homo novus_ but I fear that will not happen without my intervention."

Sheldon abandoned his contemplation of the whiteboard to assume his seat on the left hand side of the couch while Leonard shook his head in annoyed confusion. "What?"

"Leonard, if we start to dig deeper into that shallow pool, and contemplate how few of those gifted people are likely reproducing their genetic potential, the tragedy is manifest." Sheldon cocked his head to one side as he considered the sad prospect. Leonard simply looked confused.

"In any case," Sheldon explained, "I am proposing to incorporate, as a non-profit, of course, an agency that guarantees the preservation of the genetic material of the most evolved members of our society and will also work to reproduce the same."

With a dreamy flourish, Sheldon stood up and turned to face the night sky outside their window. "Brace yourself, fellow earthlings. I bring you—" he paused dramatically "—the Genius Foundation."

Leonard snickered, earning him a dirty glare from Sheldon.

"It's just that, well, there's already a Genius Foundation," Leonard explained.

"Really?" Sheldon asked with some amazement.

Leonard nodded in satisfaction from having one over on his supercilious roommate. "Yeah, it's in Florida. They award grants."

"Will wonders never cease," Sheldon mused. "Now, that's a pity."

Leonard warily watched as Sheldon resume his pacing. "You're not going to be at this all night?"

Sheldon glanced over at his roommate. "Very likely, I'm afraid. Missy's engagement brought this all into perspective. In no small way, I can say that humanity's fate hangs in the balance. Something must be done. But the name, itself, is a minor consideration. More important will be the creation of a system to identify those to whom my foundation will appeal."

Leonard looked profoundly pained. "The insane?"

Sheldon's expression took on a sober cast. "It is sadly true that some of the greatest minds in history have been driven to extremes by those around who fail to understand them."

With a sarcastic glance, Leonard muttered, "Do tell."

Sheldon didn't even pause in his musings. "If you insist. My putative foundation, sadly nameless in present, will harvest the ova and sperm of gifted individuals across the state, the country and then, the world. And then we will work to see those seeds of greatness come together and reproduce."

Hands buried in the pocket of his sweatshirt, Leonard shivered. "Sounds kinda freaky, Sheldon. Anyway, how are you going to convince people to give you their sperm and eggs?"

Sheldon snorted. "If they're as intelligent as they need to be to qualify, the advantages will be clear. People will be stampeding to donate to the foundation, in more ways than one, I am sure."

Leonard waved one hand tiredly. "Whatever. How are you going to sort out the wheat from the chaff?" At Sheldon's quizzical look, Leonard continued, "You know, the wanna-bes from the be-bes?"

"Ah, how cute," Sheldon pronounced. "You mean, how will I steer people like you away from the foundation to which you would hopelessly aspire?"

Leonard interrupted, "That is not at all what I meant and, hey, whaddya mean 'hopelessly aspire'?"

The argument seemed certain to heat up but the entrance of Raj and Howard. Rubbing his hands together against the cold, Howard was garish in black and orange. At Leonard's silent goggle, Raj explained, "His mom got this outfit for him. You know, since Halloween's coming."

Howard shot him a dirty look. "You weren't supposed to tell. Anyway, it's cool. Let's the ladies know I still have that festive spirit." He finished off the phrase with a suggestive swing of his hips but meeting no response from the other men, sullenly slumped into his seat.

The two newcomers looked back and forth between the roommates. "Tension so thick I could cut it with a knife," Howard noted.

Leonard sighed and levered himself out of the armchair. "It's nothing. Want a drink?" When the other two men nodded, Leonard went into the kitchen and grabbed some cans from the fridge, passing two to Raj and Howard before going back for more.

"Nothing?" Sheldon demanded. "This is everything! This is the future of my species."

"Humanity's in danger?" Raj asked in confusion. "Aliens? H1N1? Britney Spears?"

"Hardly," Sheldon sniffed, assuming his customary seat on the left side of the couch. "I'm speaking of _homo novus_, Koothrappali."

As he handed Sheldon his Diet Coke, Leonard interjected, "Really, don't get him started. He had me awake all night long with his crazy mutterings. I swear, if you do the same tonight, Sheldon?" Leonard let the threat linger in the air.

"You'll what, Leonard," Sheldon asked. Then, as he divined Leonard's intent, his shoulders slumped. "You wouldn't!"

"I would tell your mother," Leonard promised. "Don't try me."

Glancing around the apartment sheepishly, Sheldon seemed to acquiesce. Raj and Howard exchanged pleased looks at the prospect of peace, quiet and a good game of Klingon Boggle.

"Alright, then. I will retire to my bedroom at the customary hour and refrain from knocking on your door during the night unless there's an emergency."

At Leonard's significant glance, Sheldon elaborated, "An emergency as defined under the terms of our agreement, Night-time Communication Clauses A, B, C and D."

"Not D, Sheldon."

"This does involve the fate of humanity which is the entire purpose of D in the emergency cases."

Leonard shook his head firmly. Raj and Howard solemnly concurred.

With a resentful glare at the three of them, Sheldon reluctantly agreed. "Anyway," the taller man continued airily, "I need to identify the initial individuals to approach to donate to my foundation before I can proceed further." Glancing sideways over at Leonard, sipping his drink while he sat in the armchair, Sheldon's expression changed to one of thoughtful consideration.

"So, Leonard, tell me, has your mother entered menopause yet or does she still have ova available to harvest?"

Raj ducked just a little bit too late to avoid the spray of soda streaming out of Leonard's startled mouth.

"Leonard," Penny asked plaintively as he rubbed her sore feet, "what's up with Sheldon?"  
The two were ensconced on Penny's cluttered couch after her late shift at the restaurant.

Leonard paused for a moment. "It's complicated," he finally said, as his hands worked at the stiff arch of her left foot.

"Oh, don't stop," Penny groaned as she leaned back with eyes closed in relief.

Leonard smiled delightedly but as he lost focus on both words and flesh, Penny's eyes flashed open. "I mean, keep talking and rubbing, genius man. Sheldon's been seriously weird these last few days. And that's pretty much off the charts considered how weird he is normally."

Leonard barked out a laugh before renewing his attentions to Penny's foot. "Well, yeah. I think he's taking Missy's plans to get married a little hard."

Penny got a goofy smile on her face. "Oh! That poor, sweet man. He's all mixed up over his twin sister going out on her own."

Leonard's expression was anything but agreeable as he replied. "Well, yeah, maybe, but I think he's going about it the wrong way."

Penny grinned. "Well, of course he would. He's a man."

Leonard stiffened and his hands ceased their soothing work on Penny's feet. "Excuse me?"

Penny opened her eyes and leaned closer. "Don't get all huffy. I just mean that most men really don't know how to express their emotional side in times of stress and change."

Leonard thought about it a bit and nodded a grudging concession. "O-kay, but I really don't think that's what's going on with Sheldon. I mean, he was talking about kids."

Penny sat upright. "See? His biological clock is going tick-tock! Who'd have thought?"

"Well," Leonard said, glancing carefully at Penny's indulgent expression, "he was actually talking about your kids."

Penny stiffened so much that Leonard was afraid she'd gone into shock. Then she began crawling over Leonard toward the door of her apartment with a deadly expression on her face. "I'm going to kill that rotten, no-good, thinks-he-can-have-his-way-with me-"

Leonard scrambled off the couch to block the doorway. "Whoa, Penny. Strange as it may seem, I don't think he was plotting any hanky-panky with you. I haven't figured it all out, yet, but he's now talking about starting up a sort of genius breeding program. And, well, he's already said that I don't qualify. I'm pretty sure that every last one of us would fail to meet 'his exacting standards'."

Penny glared at Leonard. "You're not helping."

Leonard shrugged helplessly. "Look, he was freaking me out last night. I mean, how would you feel if he was asking about whether or not your mother was still fertile."

Penny's jaw dropped. "Sheldon has the hots for your mother?"

Leonard's shudder seemed to go bone-deep. "Do not go there. Do not go there!"

The warning came too late. Penny's face distorted into a pained expression of distaste. "Oh, man."

Leonard closed his eyes and nodded emphatically. "I know. Believe me, I know. But I think that he's got some crazy idea about a foundation to promote the supergenes of "outstanding individuals" like himself."

Penny stumbled back over to the couch and sat down heavily. "So, a race of mini-Sheldons?"

Leonard joined her and they both stared vacantly ahead. "Apparently." But after a few moments, he shook his head disbelievingly. "It's just, every time he was talking about his idea, something was ticking away inside me."

Penny looked appalled. "Not your biological clock?"

Leonard appeared a little bit hurt. "No, but, it's just, I think there's someone who did something like this before and, well, it didn't work out well. But I just can't remember what it was."

Penny leaned back heavily into the cushions of the couch. "Go get your laptop, then, Mr. King-of-Google, and start searching. I'm sure something'll come up."

On Wednesday evening, the guys returned to Sheldon and Leonard's apartment to survey their spoils from the comic book store.

"It's the Ed Benes variant cover," Sheldon proudly explained as Raj craned his head to get a look at the bagged _Green Lantern_ #47 the string theorist clutched carefully. "I also have the standard cover, of course." He pulled at another bagged comic to indicate its presence in the new releases he'd bought that day.

"I'm so excited," Leonard gloated and he flipped through his pile, "the finales of the _Blackest Night_ storylines are going to be awesome."

"And don't forget, both the _Batman Annual_ and the _Dectective Comics Annual_," Sheldon reminded the others who nodded impatiently at his reiteration of the obvious.

"Though it woulda been kinda cool to be in New York City for the _X-Men Motion Comic_ debut and the big costume contest," Howard opined wistfully. At the incredulous looks of his friends, he explained, "Chicks really dig the X-Men, you know. We could've made out like bandits."

"Please," said Sheldon disdainfully. "Let's not forget that it's Halo Night."

"As if we could," Leonard sighed as he flopped back in his arm chair. Sometimes Sheldon's devotion to routine was a little tiresome. Especially since he knew that the same routine demanded Leonard go out for their usual take-out order.

Sheldon paused as if minutely rendered uncomfortable. "Well, while we're waiting for Leonard to go get the take-out, I have some things to do, so if you'll excuse me. . . ."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Leonard said, raising one hand in surprise. "This constitutes a deviation, doesn't it?" He looked to Howard and Raj who nodded their agreement.

"What gives?" Howard asked. "Sheldon never deviates from routine. Something's up."

Sheldon's brow crinkled and his gaze shifted away almost furtively. The others' sense of interest heightened. Sheldon rose from the couch and grabbed a sheaf of manila folders from his bag. "It's, it's nothing. I just have some files to go through: candidates. Yes, candidates for a position. And seeing that there's so much noise and disorder out here in the living room, I'll just take them back to my room --. Hey, Koothrappali, that's not on!"

Raj had grabbed the folders out of Sheldon's hand and waved them at the others. "Candidates? String theory has a search? That is so unfair! Dr. Gablehauser assured the astrophysicists that we were the department's first priority for a tenure-track position as soon as the university was in a position to hire again."

Howard and Leonard exchanged outraged looks. "He said the same thing to the applied group," Howard said.

"Ours, too," Leonard confirmed.

Raj had wrapped his body around the folders while Sheldon attempted to wrest them away, bringing the first folder close to his face. "No fair," the shorter man reiterated, panting with the effort of protecting his prizes. "I want to see what candidates you've got, here." He pried one folder slightly open.

Sheldon feinted, trying to regain his folders. "You are entirely mistaken, all of you. This is none of your business."

Howard gestured skywards, as if cursing some unseen power. "Of course it's not our business. It's not our search. We've all been screwed by Dr. Gablehauser and his smooth lies."  
Raj looked up suddenly. "No, we haven't."

"What do you mean?" Leonard demanded.

"These aren't CVs from physicists. This folder, at least, has something to do with, erm, sex," Raj explained, his voice rising uncomfortably on the last phrase.

Howard nodded knowingly. "That explains everything. Sheldon and the rest of the string theorists prevailed upon Dr. Gablehauser by promising to hire a sexy candidate."

He paused and seemed to consider his words, a wide smile brightening his face. "A sex-y candidate. This could be good!"

Sheldon abandoned his fruitless reaching for the file folders and stared at the engineer in outrage. "You impugn me, Wolowitz. As if I would ever partake in something so unethical, so underhanded, so antithetical to the spirit of science!"

"He's right, Howard," Leonard said. "This has to be something else."

With a frown, Sheldon's roommate nabbed the files from a weakly protesting Raj. "Candidate files? Let's see. Candidate #1 is a woman, twenty-six years of age, with two successful. . . pregnancies? Sheldon, what the hell is this?"

Sheldon primly grabbed most of the files out of Leonard's hands as the shorter man stood, flabbergasted by what he was reading. "These are from the California Surrogacy Agency and they are private, thank you very much, Dr. Nosey."

"Surrogacy? Sheldon, what are you on about, now?" Leonard demanded.

"We thought you'd given up on this whole reproduction idea after, well, you know, the other night," Raj said, rubbing uncomfortably at his chin as if wiping away sticky residue.

"Of course I didn't," Sheldon protested. "Why should I? It is a perfectly good idea to promote better genetic futures. Even if Leonard's mother is ineligible."

Leonard angrily flipped through the files that he still had. "Wait a second. This says the enquiry was made on behalf of Drs. Cooper and Hofstadter. You've got me involved in this?"  
Sheldon appeared uncomfortable and sat down on the couch. "Well, I had to. The woman on the telephone asked about my partner."

Leonard leaned in angrily. "You didn't."

Sheldon let his eyes dance ceiling-ward, maintaining an innocent facade. "I may have implied something."

"Sheldon, if you used my name for some cockamamie scheme. . . ," Leonard gestured angrily but Howard intervened.

"Now, don't get too worried, Leonard. Sheldon can't have gotten too far. This is a surrogacy service. He'd need sperm and an egg to actually go forward," Howard said, patting Leonard uneasily on the shoulder.

"See?" Sheldon said airily. "Howard's right. Nothing to worry about. It's just some harmless theorizing." Sheldon smiled with exaggerated pleasantry toward the engineer.

The smile evaporated as Sheldon waved a hand imperiously towards Leonard, "Now, give me the rest of my files back, Leonard."

Leonard turned to the other two men. "Don't you see? Sheldon never does anything without thinking it all through. He has to have a plan already in place."

Leaning forward over his roommate, Leonard demanded, "Spill it, Sheldon!"

Sheldon's eyes darted uncomfortably to the left and right. "Dinner is going to be horribly delayed, you know."

At Leonard's frustrated grimace, Sheldon acquiesced. "Okay, I was going to get Missy to donate her eggs since, as I have said before, they contain my genetic potential and are excellent candidates for a second specimen of _homo novus_. I had considered Penny for a while but that was before I learned about limits of current applications of somatic cell nuclear transfer in humans."

At the other men's bemused looks, he harrumphed. "I mean cloning."

Leonard snorted. "Like human cloning's going to happen any time soon, Sheldon. In any case, neither Penny or Missy will want to donate their eggs to your weird cause."

"You think so, Leonard? I assumed it would be a simple procedure to get my sister's agreement while she is in the euphoric glow of her misguided engagement. And, after all, she does like children," Sheldon said fretfully.

Leonard scrunched up his face. "Yeah, Sheldon. I don't think this'll fly with your sister, newly engaged or not. Women generally like to keep their babies. At least, I think so."

Raj nodded emphatically. "Not only that, but I saw a documentary on television about egg-harvesting once. They said it was extremely painful."

Sheldon cocked his head thoughtfully. "Really? Well, that's not good."

"Anyway," Leonard said, with a bit more confidence, "who would you get to be a sperm donor?"

Howard smiled confidently and struck a pose, "How about a rugged and capable engineer?"

Leonard blew a raspberry, crushing Howard's hopes. "I'm sure none of us measure up to Sheldon's standards."

"How right you are, Leonard. Particularly now that, unless you manage to match your best time to the restaurant, our dinner will surely be late," Sheldon snapped.

When Leonard didn't seem ready to hurry off in search of dinner, Sheldon sighed and relented, "All right, if you must know, since I cannot wait for another glorious chance to harvest the DNA of Leonard Nimoy and human cloning is, inexplicably!, illegal, I was thinking about George Smoot. Although I must admit that I was very disappointed how he rebuffed my collaboration suggestion at the conference."

Leonard sighed. "Look, Sheldon, I'm sure you're not going to want to hear this, but neither Dr. Smoot nor any other Nobel winner is going to be interested in this little project. Have you ever heard of the 'Genius Babies'?"

"That name is unfamiliar to me. Is that some quaint little show you watched as a child, Leonard?" Sheldon asked with polite interest.

"No," Leonard said, rolling his eyes. "But after the other night after you were talking about your 'Genius Foundation', I did some research."

Raj snorted. "You mean you Googled it."

Leonard nodded sheepishly. "Well, yeah. Anyway, it turns out that there was an attempt to set up a sperm bank of Nobel winners: 'The Repository for Germinal Choice.' When it came out in the media, there was a huge backlash."

Sheldon seemed unimpressed. "True genius is often misunderstood."

Leonard rolled his eyes and tried again. "The whole project ended up as a bit of a laughingstock and that scared away most of the people that the founder was hoping to attract. If your foundation gets the word out, people'll get spooked. You certainly won't get George Smoot signing up. You'll be lucking to get George of the Jungle."

Howard chimed in. "And women'll be even more picky. Between the fact that their donation process isn't, you know, half as fun, and the way that this'll come out, you'll be lucky to attract any donors."

Sheldon sat down heavily. "You may, in fact, actually, for once, be right."

"Oh, thanks," Leonard snarled sarcastically. "If you're going to agree to scrub this whole crazy plan, I'll go get dinner."

With a profoundly disappointed sigh, Sheldon seemingly agreed. Leonard nevertheless shot a hard look at both Raj and Howard before he left, clearly indicating that it was up to them to ensure his roommate didn't get up to anything crazier while he was out. After that? Well, nobody could keep Sheldon in line forever. Not even his mother and especially not his roommate.

Leonard's misgivings were realized not long after. His cell burbled out the opening bars of the "Wonder Woman" theme during the middle of Friday lunch at Cal Tech. Leonard immediately flipped the handset, despite the presence of Sheldon, Howard and Raj. "Yeah, Penny?"

The others at the lunch table looked slightly disapproving or envious, depending on whether they were Sheldon or not.

"Really," Sheldon sniffed as Leonard turned away from the others to carry on a conversation with his girlfriend.

Raj looked up from his half-finished bowl of soup, hoping to forestall another rant on the evils of interrupting Sheldon's dietary routine. "So, you've really given up on the sperm bank plan?," he asked.

With a mournful expression, Sheldon looked down at his tray. Picking up a paper napkin, he folded it delicately and finally said, "Yes, after sober reflection, I have. I continue to reserve the right to promote the cause of homo novus, but I believe that Leonard's point was made. Anyway, who would be available to raise the babies if I did get things going?"

Leonard glanced over in annoyance at Sheldon's loud conversation and excused himself from the table, holding the headset close with one hand while another finger blocked the noise entering his uncovered ear.

In the absence of a virtual Penny presence, Raj looked around with a little more comfort."I don't know. Obviously, you're out of the question."

Sheldon lifted his chin and stared disbelievingly at the other man. "Well, I don't see why not. There's the entire question of nurture we have yet to explore. While I believe that my personal history indicates that a genius may emerge out of a truly hostile environment, there's something to be said for raising a child in an environment conducive to intellectual development."

Raj and Howard gaped at Sheldon's ramblings. The engineer managed to find his voice first. "You're not seriously suggesting that you would be a good candidate to raise a kid?"

"Yes. Yes I am, Wolowitz," Sheldon said with prim satisfaction. "I believe that I would be the ideal father-figure to a child of high-achieving potential."

Raj spread his hands out in helpless incredulity while Howard gaped some more.

"In fact, there's no time like the present," Sheldon announced airily. He looked around the cafeteria while the other two men sat silent. The relative lack of women meant that his eyes danced quickly across the assembled crowd.

"Only a master's degree, limited potential," he murmured dismissively as he passed by one woman.

"Hey!" Howard exclaimed.

"She's pregnant, man," Raj explained as he noticed Sheldon's gaze lingering on one of the other junior professors.

"Really?" Sheldon. "However did you know?"

"Departmental listserv. They're planning a baby shower next month," Raj explained.

Howard's eyes lit up. "Really? Women can be very vulnerable at baby showers, getting all teary-eyed as they look at the guest-of-honour and mourn their own single state. Maybe I should 'drop in'."

Raj regarded his friend scornfully. "All the women on campus know you, Howard. You wouldn't stand a chance."

Undeterred, Howard rubbed his hands in anticipation. "That's okay, Raj. Women bring friends to these things. There's sure to be someone I haven't met already. Maybe the future Mrs. Wolowitz?"

"You two do go on," Sheldon complained. "Here I am in the middle of a serious dilemma and all you can think about are baby showers and hook-ups. Oh, now! Wait a second."

Howard and Raj turned around in their seats, looking for what had captured Sheldon's interest. "Oh, no," Howard groaned.

"Yes," Sheldon said. "I think she'll have to do. It's hardly ideal but needs must. I know from her earlier interactions with Leonard that she has experienced 'a ticking biological clock' and while her intellectual endeavours are hardly on a par with mine, she is the most advanced academic female, not otherwise occupied, in this room."

Raj put his face into his hands. "Tell me when it's over," he begged.

Howard stared in disbelief as he watched Sheldon approach Leslie Winkle.

"Hello, Doctor Dumb-ass," the brunette offered confidently as Sheldon stopped before her. "Come for another dose of the medicine known as scientific reality?"

"Hardly," Sheldon snapped out, arms defensively crossed over his chest. "I have simply decided that the time is ripe for you and I to make a joint contribution to the advance of science and humanity."

Leslie threw her head back and laughed. "As if I'd let an ignoramus like you on my research team. Find another wagon to hitch your waning star onto."

With fire in his eyes, Sheldon leaned forward incautiously. "As if! I mean! It's not like that! My request has nothing to do with your dead-end research, in any case. I would be doing you a favour, for your information."

Leslie tilted one head to the side, manifestly unimpressed. "You've got exactly thirty seconds left before I vamoose. Talk faster, Doctor Dumb-ass."

"In the interests of advancing the human race, you and I must procreate."

Across the cafeteria, Howard bounded out of his chair to grab Leonard by the arm. The other man attempted to shake off the interruption but then saw what was going on. "Oh, no," Leonard groaned, moving to intercept but knowing he was much too late.

Leslie shook her head incredulously. "Say what?"

Sheldon shrugged his shoulders in exasperation, implying that he, of course, should have predicted her failure to understand his very obvious request without further explanation. "You know, in the popular parlance, we must 'do the dirty' and thus mingle our genes. Of course, actual copulation will not be necessary. Thankfully there are less-distressing means to achieve our goals. And consider that this one act of procreation will certainly do more for humanity than all of your misguided so-called research-"

Whatever else Sheldon Cooper had planned to say was lost as a well-aimed right hook rose up to take him out on the chin. In seeming slow-motion, the others in the room watched as his body rotated backward, colliding with Leonard's. The two men slumped to the floor, Leonard's phone clattering beside them.

Howard gingerly stepped forward to pick up the phone. "Uh, hi, Penny. It's Howard here. We've had a situation. No, no, Leonard's just fine but can he call you back? What? Uh-huh, sure. I'll tell him."

Raj joined him in uncomfortably staring down at the other two men, Leslie Winkle looming over the pair threateningly. "Just when I think you've reached the limits of stupid, you somehow dig deeper. Keep him on a shorter leash, Leonard," Leslie advised. "I'd hate to hurt him permanently. Down there, you know."

Sheldon's eyes were fluttering open and closed as he sprawled backward against Leonard's compact bulk. "Don't worry, Leslie," Leonard managed. "I think he's finally got this out of his system."

"Better have, dumb-ass," Leslie warned before sauntering off to get her lunch. The crowd, which had fallen silent at Leslie's punch, slowly returned to their conversations with only occasional glances over their shoulders to the four men left in her wake.

"Please, Sheldon," Leonard pleaded, as he helped his roommate get back on his feet. "Promise me you're done with this or Leslie's going to send you into orbit."

Raj and Howard nodded their emphatic agreement.

With one hand rubbing gingerly at his chin, Sheldon shook off Leonard's help. "I think I could be willing to let this go for a while, yes."

"Everything? Every last little bit of your crazy plans to create a race of evil genius babies?" Leonard asked anxiously.

Sheldon's eyes narrowed in calculation. "That depends, Leonard," he said. "You know, I don't believe you've ever told me much about your sister. . . ."


End file.
